Interior Design of the Damned, That 70s 'Ho! Rating Options

[PalePhoenix]

For years (thirty, in fact, so no copyrights apply), two decorating books occupied a special place in my grandmother's home. Until her passing last year, these coffee-table habitués stayed squared to the corners, dust-free, and hermetically sealed in the 'Mausoleum of the Matriarch.' She only wished she could have decked out her abode in such horrifying splendor.

My mother, I suppose, took a stab at this Singularly Seventies Style, though suburban incomes prohibited the purchase of complete rooms, and the life that appeared to come to a crashing halt within. This was the precursor to Pier One, IKEA's wet dream. There was Lucite, and shag, and herds of whatever creature gave naugahyde.

This and the next few entries will bring to you the only thing I love more than grotestque furniture: Making fun of grotesque furniture, since you were big pimpin' if this shizzle was up in your crib. In the spirit of a dull, soulless future--as envisioned by the designers of that Bicentennial Decade--I bring you a visual feast.

I bring you...Roche-Bobois. Be very afraid.



Yes, folks. It begins innocently enough. There are still a few clues here to let you know what you're in for. First off, it would appear the Seventies jet set liked to clutter up every available surface. That's right. If you didn't have your fake Chinese lacquer just swarming with tchotchkes, Zelda Nelson from Apartment 11G clucked disapprovingly and asked how your macramé was coming along.

Another thing to notice: that pleasant, thermonuclear glow from the window. One thing that seems to fix this decade in the collective consciousness--and the millions of photos which documented it--everything seemed to occur in a jaundiced haze, the thinnest whisper of nicotene on every surface, in every pore.

[PalePhoenix]

What was happening in the kitchens of the time, you wonder? Well, this design house really didn't get in there much. Apparently, neither did Mom. The kids huddled around the fondue pot for warmth in winter when she was too tanked to cook. Here's an example of the 'future' as seen through frightened eyes. This was Planet of the Apes. This was Logan's Run. This was your dinette, done in icy, surgical steel. The only thing you'd be eating here was Soylent Green. And look, there's some now! No, wait. That's Soylent Avocado. It was made from suicidal people.